A Bitch and Santa

Is there really any difference between Santa and an annoying friend? They both steal your food and give crappy Christmas gifts. Of course, BFFs are inclined to be a little more considerate, seeing as how you have the most dirt on them. Now, in case you think I'm just jaded and cynical, that I had that one best friend who betrayed me in childhood and turned me spiteful and bitter, you'd be wrong. It was actually 2 friends, though they were never BFF material. But I digress. The point is, because I know what it's like to have a friend who thinks they're the shit and a bag of Cheetos, here's a little trick: say you have a few cute friends who you swear she'll love who want her number. Go onto Craigslist.com and put an ad for her online. Accept offers from the most nerdy, socially inept dorks you can find, and send them her home address. Watch her face as Yu-Gi-Oh! cards and invitations to Star Wars conventions show up by the boatload at her house. Oh, and don't forget to mention that she absolutely LOVES men with long beards and crusty toenails. Enjoy :)

R.I.P. Christina

As I'm sure you all have heard, a shooter at the mall recently shot and killed nine people, including a 9-year-old girl born on September 11, 2001. Despite what a few of you may think, I'm not a total heartless bitch. And so, in honor of Christina, I'm sending my best wishes to the family. Happy trails, random people.

Valentine's Day and Taylor Swift

Surprising fact: it is impossible to get sick of Taylor Swift music. Especially while eating slightly stale peanuts at Logan's Roadhouse and watching your brother make his various Exorcist-inspired faces. I confess, I'm really missing the spring. The flowers, the sunshine, the pants-less homosexual bunny with the clown-like fake cheerfulness who hands out rotten eggs to little children... But wait, we still have one more winter holiday to endure before that fateful time. What was it again? Something about hearts, a fat kid with a bow and arrow, and homemade cards from that artsy teacher who gives back massages? Ah, yes, Valentine's Day. A slap in the face for the single and hopeless and a pressure for couples to pretend they are still as in love as the day they first saw each other in bathing suits. For my fellow Valentine's nonbelievers, I offer an alternative: instead of flowers, make bouquets of poison ivy. Disguise and distribute to your cheating exes and bitchy frenemies, making sure they hold it to their face often to smell. Enjoy ;)

Gentlemen Prefer Freaks

Ever notice that when you're hyped up on coffee, soda, or illegal performance enhancers, even the most boring details seem to sort of captivate? Whereas, if, like me, you are suffering from caffeine withdrawal, even Taylor Lautner's abs seem about as charismatic as that old perv who hangs out on the street. Of course, there's nothing Pizza Hut and Sprite can't fix. And so, for your pleasure, here is a technique I've learned about dealing with boys who just don't know when to quit. Show him your extensive photo collection of him, and the dress you've already designed for your wedding, and, of course, the adorable photoshopped pictures you put together of your future children. Show him said decorations, and make sure to sniff his hair and shirt extensively, breathing heavily and muttering, "You are mine." Trust me, he'll soon back off. Or, more accurately, run off ;).

Better Than Revenge

As of right now, I'm going for my dreams. Only one day with my family and already I feel ten times more confident than a week with friends. Lots have told me I can't do it, but hey, if I fail, it's because I wasn't good enough, not because I didn't have the guts to go for it. And besides, at least I'm making my dreams happen rather than telling others not to go for theirs. And no, if you're reading, this is NOT aimed at anyone specific. I'm also feeling a little bummed about not being able to figure out how to download ringtones on my cell. Right now, my top choice is My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas. Catchy, no?

Morning After Hangover

I hope you all drank a little too much eggnog last night and made the night memorable ;). Me? Well, I'm feeling a little bitchy today, so I'm going to give you all some advice: what to do when dealing with a person who needs to constantly one-up you all the time. I say, burst into fake tears and say your parents just died and you're failing school and that the house burned down. Let her or him try to one-up that. Kisses!

Here Comes Santa Clause With His Instruments of Torture

Merry Christmas, the only holiday when pimply, annoying adolescents can accost you for kisses and it doesn't count as sexual harassment. Of course, the tacky sweaters with creepy Rudolphs and Santas are abundent among our creepily friendly teachers who have long since given up on life. And who wouldn't look forward to the best part of all, a fat, old dude breaking into your house in the middle of the night to steal your food and leave you unknown presents that just might explode when you open them? Have some happy holidays, everybody!