Bend... And Snap! Goes Your Neck

I have a theory for why so many teens are attempting suicide, and/or succeeding. Here it is: Justin Beiber! Studies show that his music routinely hits a frequency that sends depressing waves into teens' heads. Okay, maybe I just fabricated so more people would see him as the transvestite sociopath he is. Frankly, I don't trust a boy who dances that good and wears skinny jeans. I can't help thinking of George Michael and sex offenders and I find it disgusting. And no, I am not homophobic or trannie-phobic. In fact, they scare me way less than normal people. Serial killers and rapists are often desribed as being, "the most normal, good kids," in high school. Whereas we perverted weird kids grow up to be singers and actresses. Or Arby's general managers. Either way, my resolution is to resist the urge to stab myself in the eye with a rib bone when a J.B. song comes on the radio. As for all the little kids who have the dreaded fatal disease Beiber Fever, just gently let her (or him) know that J.B. needs to take a nice little vacation to the underside of his Range Rover. Then nicely smash his CDs and use his posters as toilet paper. She'll thank you for it.